My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash