To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.