I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.