I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school