We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.