The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.