Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.