If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost