I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.