So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.