Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
watergate? u mean a dam??
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough