Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.