Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
they should invent a type of situation that improves.