Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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