My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.