Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.