Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.