There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?