Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
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After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
God has left this place
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here