The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing
my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home
The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.
A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.
“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working
Some questgivers in Cyberpunk 2077 give you ominous warnings like “DON’T keep me waiting” and it bothers me so much.
If you really want someone shot, something stolen or someplace exploded, you can wait for me to find a pair of jean shorts to complete my outfit.
This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway
making bad rap music is committing crhymes.
found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you
a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.
No one:
My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!
Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.
I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.
Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”
Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.
