I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.
I do this on a Steffi Graph.
I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!
Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?
me watching my own Instagram story
Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics
Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.
I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.
Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep
I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.
Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.
Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.
My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.
Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.
Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.
Friend: Including you?
Me: Actually, scratch that idea.
In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”
