No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.