The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
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This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
the three branches of government
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Perfect
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.