Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send