Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone