“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
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y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.