Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
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ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
my retirement plan is braless
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.