Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.