Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.