When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.