Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
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“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?