I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.