[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
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I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
I triple waxed for this?
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg