Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
