This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function