humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood