I’m out of butter but I’ve got some whole milk, a jar and a stick, so I’m about to sit down and get things done.
I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..
woman on a first date: [pointing to her plate] i don’t think i ordered this.
her date, who comes from a dimension where they only talk like foghorn leghorn: this waiter, i say, this waiter’s about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
embroidery proof arrived and as expected, it does not make my wife laugh
You might think off-brand products are, “just as good,” but I learned my lesson at Lollapalooka.
Look, all I’m saying is that it would be far more impressive to see someone turn lemonade into lemons
Hm.
No kidding?
HUH.
Really?
Wow, I did not know that.– me, reading my daughter’s Driver’s Ed textbook
Them: Good morning
Me: Where?
Turning regret into ulcers since 1996
Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”
If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.
I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it
Checkmate Jesus.
I got called to HR again for setting up mousetraps around my gross coworker that takes their shoes off
Final Destination: Holiday Edition.
A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.
A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”