I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away