Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.