As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship