Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach