last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.