I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball