I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.