my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
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Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
scrabbled eggs
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
our love story in four pictures
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
omg leave her alone
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.