Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time