When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.