I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?