I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first