My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]