Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.